Unreliable Witness: Nothing here but clinker

Did I do well?” I whispered, timid and tamed. Terror came later. It seemed like the only time he could force himself to be proud of me was when I had somehow managed to find fuel from that teeming dust pile of waste. Waste not want not what not.

Read more…

Our Judges said-

Strong imagery was neatly used to convey the uneasiness of a messy relationship sensed, but not understood, by a small child.

In this post, UW once again deftly follows Emily Dickinson’s advice to tell all the truth, but tell it slant.

The next Post Of The Week will be announced on Sunday evening. Please note that nominations for next week cannot be accepted until then.

Apologies for the delay!

1. Citizen of the Month’s ‘Nicest Man in New York City‘
   “I can’t handle it, it makes me anxious,” she said, sounding very familiar, since I said the same thing to Sophia when she crying because of her pain.
2. Observer Woman Makes Me Spit’s ‘Dolly Spits From The Heart‘
   I have more diagnoses than a Bernard Matthews turkey has sneezes. I am a woman. I am a woman with many qualities, many talents many skills. And I’m a bit mad. I know I am.
3. Tired Dad’s ‘Love/Hate‘
   I hate my mobile phone. Because. You know. It’s a mobile phone and that. They are essentially hateful items.
4. Unreliable Witness’ “Nothing Here But Clinker‘
   “That’ll burn well,” he would say, as he carried the metal tray to the coal-fired boiler, neglecting the more important business of the day such as why she had disappeared to the top of the house or why the cupboard door was hanging from its hinges yet again. He could grit and grin his grimace through anything, that man.
5. Wife In the North’s ‘It’s Duck, Dammit‘
   The workshop on emotional literacy started off: “When I am included, I feel…” We took it in turns to fill in the gap. I said “happy”. I could have said “surprised”. Then went on to: “When I am not included, I feel…” I said “gutted” That about covers it.

If you have a post you want to nominate, please leave a link in the comments below.

The deadline for nominations is Friday June 15th.

diamond geezer: Everyone’s 2012™

Don’t worry, we’ve checked that the final logo passes all known quality thresholds. Kevin’s Mum liked it when we showed it to her, and Steve’s cousin Mandy thought it looked “well smart”. There’s absolutely no danger of anyone thinking it looks like cartoon characters having sex. Well we hadn’t noticed anyway. Everyone’ll love it, guaranteed, or your money back.

Read more …

Our Judges said …

“Satire at its best. The writer’s obvious revulsion towards modern advertising is sweetened by its clever humour. The writer’s wit however doesn’t take away from the post’s eloquent message.”

“One of the most satisfying skewerings of That Bloody Olympic Logo that I’ve come across.”

The next Post Of The Week will be announced on Sunday evening.
Please note that nominations for next week cannot be accepted until then.

1. An Unreliable Witness: Packed, wrapped and folded

I’ve got to go now. Got to go. Back to filling this cardboard box. In the hallway. The largest I could find. I’m throwing everything into it: heart and soul, liver and lungs, muscles and sinews, cartilage. Books and writings, tacky souvenirs, beautifully crafted ornaments.

2. Blue Witch: Friday Question: Sandwiches and picnics

To annoy her (and how well it worked), if I made sandwiches, or cut toast, I used to do it into rectangles. “Oh BW, it’s so ‘workman’ to cut bread like that, please do it nicely!” she’d implore. That generally led to subsequent pieces of toast not being cut at all, evoking the comment from Daddy BW, “BW, have you got a bad hand? If not, please cut that toast!” I can even remember once cutting some sandwiches into inch squares after being told not to be ‘workman’. When asked why, I replied, “My ‘workman’ is an intellectual. He plays chess in his lunchtime.” I think I lost that one eventually though, as the reply was, “Clearly he’s a workman or he’d know better than to play with his food!” As I said, Hyacinth has nothing on my mother.

3. Chocolate Sandwich: Eco-lie

The husband was busy loading the shopping into a hessian sack and looked at me with a pitiful look – as though to say ‘you are an evil destroyer of the earth and we are doing our bit. Shame on you.’

4. diamond geezer: Everyone’s 2012™

Don’t worry, we’ve checked that the final logo passes all known quality thresholds. Kevin’s Mum liked it when we showed it to her, and Steve’s cousin Mandy thought it looked “well smart”. There’s absolutely no danger of anyone thinking it looks like cartoon characters having sex. Well we hadn’t noticed anyway. Everyone’ll love it, guaranteed, or your money back.

5. enidd: the saga of ps502

what’s worse than a flight on molvanian air? it’s not a joke - it’s too painful for that. what’s worse than a flight on molvanian air is a flight on molvanian air full of old people on a saga holiday. they shouldn’t be allowed out of the country if they’ve not been taught how to fly properly.

6. JohnnyB’s private secret diary: Thursday, May 31, 2007

The only really good thing about a dentist putting his penis in your mouth and starting to hit it wildly with a hammer whilst you are under local anaesthetic and have your eyes firmly shut and are listening to mournful Randy Newman songs is at least you know that you will get offered some mouthwash afterwards.

7. Mommy Has a Headache: Tit for Twat?

So this morning he said I should do two hours of weeding today or he wouldn’t do oral sex on me this evening.

8. Petite Anglais: Sunday

I have no desire to move, or dress. Music washes over me, and I close my eyes and let a reel of images play in a loop inside my head.

9. The Overnight Editor: Sex Machine

With my later teens were the dating/gaming years. And those games took over my life - every evening and weekend swallowed by the pursuit of a score. Sex was quick and competitive - rubbing her like I was getting a ZX Daley Thomson to run the 1500 metres. I hunted high and low for a girl’s cheat codes - The secret combination of buttons that, pressed in the right order, would unlock her deeper levels.