The next Post Of The Week will be announced on Sunday evening, so get your blog-reading caps on, grab a mug of Bovril and enjoy this lot while you can.

1. Diamond Geezer: Subject: FW: Please confirm your account details
(nominated by Mike)
I would like to assure you of government’s continued commitment to the family. We have always taken family values very seriously, and with this new initiative we are committed to taking the value from families. Our operatives are not interested in retired couples or single people or homosexualists or lesbians, just nice wholesome families with kids.

2. 15 Minute Lunch: I’m sorry. Voice mailbox for….GOD….is full.
(nominated by asta)
Hi. You’ve reached the number of God. I’m everywhere right now, so unfortunately I can’t take your call. My message is very important to you, so if you would leave your name and a number where you can be reached, I will call you when when you least expect it.

3. Forksplit: In Spite Of The Hemorrhoids…
(nominated by asta)
“And he kept getting up and staggering towards them!” she continued. “Like the zombies you see in the movies! Or you know, what’s his name; Jason from those Friday the Thirteenth movies. But finally, they managed to kill him. And then they threw him into the River Neva.”

4. Hydragenic: Roots That No Storm Can Dislodge
(nominated by Mike)
I’m from Dad’s treasure trove in the garage,
all wood, wires and rust,
from Mum’s blackberry and apple crumble,
and Grandma’s old time and modern sequence.

5. I Hate The Earth: Date II: This Time It’s Serious
(nominated by Mike)
She is very pretty and seemed quite keen, provided you overlook her occasional lapses staring into the middle distance, seeming vaguely bored now and again. She was also a face-puller, grimacing frequently during emotive moments in her storytelling, leaving an indelible image of her pulsating neckveins scolded into my retinas a good half an hour after she’d stopped gurning.

6. May Contain Notts: Ten Things You Won’t See In Notts During Euro 2008
(nominated by Mike)
People who moan about all-seater stadiums love international tournaments, because they can go to Walkabout or somesuch and relive the ‘good old days’. You have to get there at least an hour early to get a good spec. Then you get wedged in against a load of pissed-up twats, struggle to listen to what Gary Lineker has to say and are forced to listen to crap music for half an hour.

7. Meg Fowler: Frenetic
(nominated by asta)
I’m tired of how quickly time is passing with so little to show for it. I’m realizing I’ve convinced myself I’m achieving something because I let myself get stressed out.

8. Move Heaven and Earth to Defend the Life of BEYOND THE IMPLODE: The Friend Catcher
(nominated by Mike)
I felt my head splitting, partly from the lack of air in the room, and partly from the godawful MOR tunes. As the Korgis’ wretched Everybody’s Got To Learn Sometime bled into some pile of equally funereal wank by The Feeling, I started to go mad.